Look Up.

I'm going to admit something that probably won't surprise anyone:

I think I have a problem with my phone.

Not in some dramatic, "I need to throw this thing in the trash" kind of way. But enough that I've caught myself checking it when there's absolutely no reason to.

Standing in line? Phone.

Sitting on the couch? Phone.

Waiting for someone? Phone.

Five seconds of silence? Apparently, that's an emergency.

And the part that bothers me the most is that I've started noticing the same thing in my kids.

That's when I started wondering if this is less about phones and more about what we're allowing our phones to do to us.

We Don't Just Use Our Phones Anymore

Our phones have become everything. They're our alarm clocks, calendars, cameras, entertainment, maps, news sources, shopping centers, banks, workplaces, and social lives.

I'm not interested in pretending technology is bad.

It's not.

My phone does a ridiculous number of useful things for me every day.

The problem is that somewhere along the way, using my phone became something different from needing my phone.

I'm not always picking it up because I need something.

Sometimes I'm picking it up because I'm bored.

Or uncomfortable.

Or tired.

Or waiting.

Or just because my brain has learned that a few seconds of nothingness apparently needs to be filled.

And that's where I think things get interesting.

The Science Is a Little Uncomfortable

The research doesn't really support the idea that every minute of screen time is automatically bad. What someone is doing on a screen, when they're doing it, and what that screen use is replacing all matter.

But there are legitimate reasons to pay attention.

Research has found associations between heavier screen use in children and adolescents and things like poorer sleep, lower physical activity, depressive symptoms, and other measures of well-being. The research is complicated, though, and it doesn't mean that picking up a phone causes depression or anxiety. There are a lot of factors involved. 

Sleep is one area where the connection gets particularly interesting. Recent research continues to find relationships between device use and later bedtimes or poorer sleep patterns in young people, especially when screens are being used late at night. 

And honestly, I don't need a research study to convince me that sleep matters.

I've watched my kids stay up later because they're watching something, playing something, or talking to someone on a screen.

And I've done the exact same thing.

That's the uncomfortable part.

And Then There's the Parent Problem

Here's where I have to look in the mirror.

It's really easy to tell our kids to get off their phones while we're sitting three feet away scrolling through ours.

"Put your phone down."

Meanwhile, we're checking an email.

"You don't need to be on that thing all the time."

Meanwhile, we're looking at Facebook.

"Come talk to me."

Meanwhile, we're half listening because we just got a notification.

Kids notice that.

And honestly, they're right to notice it.

I don't want my kids to grow up hearing me talk about the dangers of phones while remembering that Dad was always looking at his. I don't want to be physically present but mentally somewhere else.

What Are We Missing?

Maybe that's the question we should be asking.

Not just, "How many hours are you on your phone?"

But "What are you missing while you're on it?"

Maybe it's a conversation. Maybe it's boredom. Maybe it's creativity. Maybe it's sleep. Maybe it's eye contact. Maybe it's noticing what's happening around you. Maybe it's sitting quietly long enough for your brain to wander. Maybe it's your kid telling you something important that they might never repeat.

That's what concerns me more than the number on my screen-time report.

Because I can always get another hour of scrolling. I can't get another version of my kids at this age.

I'm Not Becoming Anti-Technology

I'm really not. I'm not deleting every app and moving to the woods. I'm probably not even giving up my phone. I like technology too much for that.

What I'm trying to do is create some friction between wanting to check my phone and actually checking it.

Maybe the phone doesn't need to come to the dinner table. Maybe it can charge somewhere other than my bedroom. Maybe I don't need to respond to every notification immediately. Maybe the kids and I can have parts of the day where nobody has a screen in their hand.

I actually like the idea of focusing less on some magical number of screen-time minutes and more on whether our phones are interfering with sleep, relationships, physical activity, school, work, or family time.

Because that's really the question.

What is the phone replacing?

Maybe We Need to Get Bored Again

This might be the hardest one. We've become incredibly uncomfortable with boredom.

We fill every empty space.

Waiting room? Phone.

Traffic? Podcast.

Walking? Music.

Bathroom? You get what I mean...

We've trained ourselves to believe that every moment needs stimulation. But boredom isn't necessarily the enemy. Sometimes boredom is where creativity starts. Sometimes it's where we think. Sometimes it's where we notice things. Sometimes it's just...nothing. And maybe nothing is okay.

Maybe our kids don't need to be entertained every second.

Maybe neither do we.

So I'm Starting With Me

I'm not writing this as someone who has figured it out.

I'm writing it as someone who has looked at his own screen-time report and thought, "Seriously?"

I'm writing it as a parent who sees some of the same habits developing in his kids and realizes that telling them to change isn't enough. I have to change too.

Maybe that's the uncomfortable part. Our kids don't just need parents who establish better technology rules. They need parents who are willing to put the phone down with them.

So I'm going to try.

Not perfectly. Not dramatically. Just intentionally.

I'm going to try to look up more. To listen better. To tolerate a little more boredom. To put the phone down when my kids are talking. To remember that the notification can wait, but the person standing in front of me might not.

Because someday, my kids won't be asking me to get off my phone. They'll be grown.

And I don't want to look back and realize I was so busy documenting, scrolling, responding, and consuming that I missed actually being there.

I don't think I need less technology nearly as much as I need more presence.

And honestly, I think that's something both my kids and I could use.