I Don't Know Either

 

There are days when I wish I had a little more clarity.

Days when I want God to just tell me what He's doing.

Where He's leading.

What's next.

What all of this is supposed to look like.

And honestly?

I'm struggling with that right now.

I wish I had a neat answer to give you.

I don't.

I'm in the middle of it too.

Roadblocks Feel Bigger Than the Road

I've had seasons where I felt like I knew exactly where God was leading me.

Then a door closed.

Then another one.

Then something from my past showed up and reminded me that sometimes the hardest thing to get past isn't what's in front of you.

It's what's behind you.

Past hurts.

Past failures.

Past disappointments.

Things people said.

Things people did.

Things I wish I had done differently.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm actually facing a new road or just dragging an old version of myself down it.

That's a difficult thing to admit.

Especially when you're supposed to have answers.

But I'm learning that being a person of faith doesn't mean always knowing what God is doing.

Sometimes it means admitting that you don't.

I Know What He's Done

Maybe that's where I'm finding some hope.

I may not understand what God is doing right now, but I can remember what He's already done.

I've seen Him carry me through things I didn't think I'd survive. I've watched Him turn pain into compassion. I've seen Him take some of my worst seasons and use them to shape who I'm becoming. I've experienced doors opening that I never could have opened myself.

And I've also experienced doors closing that I desperately wanted to stay open.

Looking back, some of those closed doors were mercy.

I just couldn't see it at the time.

Maybe that's the frustrating part of faith.

We want God to explain the chapter while we're still living it.

Most of the time... He doesn't.

The Past Still Has a Voice

I'd love to tell you I've completely moved past everything I've done and all that has happened to me.

I haven't.

Some wounds still have a voice.

Some disappointments still affect the way I see things.

Sometimes I catch myself expecting something bad to happen because something good happened before and I learned not to trust it.

That's hard to admit.

But maybe healing isn't about never hearing those voices again. Maybe it's learning that I don't have to obey them.

My past can explain some things about me. It doesn't get to decide everything about me.

And that's something I'm still learning.

Maybe Faith Looks More Like This

Maybe faith isn't always confidently saying,

"I know exactly what God is doing."

Maybe sometimes faith is saying,

"I don't know what God is doing, but I still believe He's here."

I think I've spent too much time believing that uncertainty means I'm failing.

Maybe it doesn't.

Maybe uncertainty is simply what it feels like to walk by faith instead of by sight.

I can be confused and still have faith.

I can be frustrated and still trust God.

I can be disappointed and still believe He's good.

I can have questions without abandoning my faith.

And maybe you can too.

I'm Still Walking

I don't know exactly what the next season looks like.

I don't know which doors will open.

I don't know which ones will close.

I don't know how every piece of my story fits together.

But I'm still walking.

That's about all I know to do right now.

I'm trying to stay open. I'm trying not to let old wounds make new decisions for me. I'm trying to listen. I'm trying to trust.

And on the days when I can't see very far ahead, I'm trying to remember that God doesn't need me to see the whole road.

He just asks me to take the next step.

A Final Thought

Maybe you're in that place too. Maybe you're trying to figure out what God is doing. Maybe you're frustrated because the path doesn't look anything like you thought it would. Maybe you're carrying things from your past that keep showing up in your present. Maybe you're wondering if you've missed something.

If that's where you are, I don't have a three-step answer for you.

I'm not writing this from the other side. I'm writing it from the middle.

And that's okay.

Because sometimes the most honest prayer isn't,

"God, show me the whole plan."

Maybe it's simply,

"God, help me trust You with the next step."

So that's where I am right now.

Still asking questions. Still working through old wounds. Still working through harm I've caused. Still trying to understand. Still believing.

And maybe that's enough for today.